dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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