im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
