So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
