IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
