You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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