onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
