he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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