Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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