i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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