just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
