You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
