Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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