Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.