He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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