if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF