Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
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Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat