people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing