apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer