ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
