I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
