We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
