i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
