best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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