I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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