It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
