I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
