I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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