I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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