Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
