If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
