You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
