Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize