New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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