My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
