Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
