My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
