Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
