i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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