I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Mom said you looked used
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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