I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
