I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
