I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
