Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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