I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He has the fingertips of a God
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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