so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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