I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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