how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
