And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
