right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
