it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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