Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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