Just fell off a train. Bad.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
