I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
