I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
