Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
