well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
