he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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