4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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